Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (Mostly)

Ok, so by now you know at least two things about me: 1) I established this blog - for the most part - to give a real account of what my surgery and its aftermath were like, and 2) that I almost always (sometimes even against my will) find a bright side to any given situation.

Honestly, I struggled for a little while about whether or not to talk about today. (Ok. It's after midnight, so technically it was yesterday. Whatever.) The day was crap-tastic. Bordering on crap-tacular, even. I was cranky, and miserable, and I didn't want to talk about it. And I didn't want you to have to hear about it. But I realized that the aforementioned "real account of what my surgery and its aftermath were like" wouldn't really be real unless I was honest about days like this. And it turns out that days like this happen.

It's been just over a week now since surgery, and I'm still in a LOT of pain. Everything is stiff, and sore, and I still can't move. And now both incision sites are really itchy, which is driving me insane. This collar is hot, and annoying. (And for some reason last night the plastic parts were rubbing on my ears in a weird, irritating way. Don't know what that was all about.)

I feel like I'm sleeping all the time, but I never feel like I've gotten any rest. You know how when you have those really stressful or overly eventful dreams you wake up and feel like you haven't slept at all? That's what it's like. All the time. And I still can't ever remember what day it is. I missed an assignment in one of my classes because I spent the day thinking it was Monday. Yeah, I went back and turned it in (10 hours late.) And I know in the grand scheme of things one late assignment is not the end of the world. But I'm one of those over-achieving honor students, so stuff like that really irks me.

And the hardest part... this whole things is taking a noticeable toll on my kids. Last night my daughter woke up in the middle of the night screaming for me. My husband was finally able to calm her down, but it just broke my heart. All she wanted was to climb in bed and snuggle with me. I couldn't let her, because the pain would have been too much, but she doesn't understand that. All she knows is that she wants me and I'm not there. I know the kids are in good hands, and are being well cared for. It just kills me how little time I'm able to spend with them. And for the most part they're having so much fun with Daddy and Grandma that they don't even notice that I'm sleeping all day... but when they do start asking for me and I can't go to them, it makes me feel horrible.

So this was one of those days. It wasn't the first time I cried since the surgery, but it probably was the most I've cried. From the pain... from the irritation... from feeling sorry for myself.... I guess these days are bound to happen. And I guess sometimes we just have to let them. (Get it out of your system, and all that.)

But, of course, there did have to be a bright spot to the day. I managed to take a shower almost all by myself! Yes, I still needed a little bit of help, but I'm making noticeable progress. I know that sounds like a weird thing to be excited about, but when you go from not being able to do anything for yourself to being able to do at least a little bit, it feels like a big accomplishment.

And now the drugs are kicking in, and things are starting to relax a bit, so I think I shall try to get some sleep.


My husband read this post. Know what he said?

Blah, blah, blah. Me, me, blah.

Of course, that made me laugh, and cheered me up. Totally what I needed.

Thanks for keeping it all in perspective, honey. :)

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