Wednesday, July 11, 2012

You Can't See My Pain

I know I touched on this once before, but after today's events I feel compelled to say more.

The kids and I made a trek to Costco today to stock up on a few needed items. If you've ever shopped at a warehouse store before, you know how tiring it can be. Now imagine doing that while also suffering from chronic pain. After lifting so many large boxes and containers into the cart, then onto the conveyor belt at checkout, I was almost at my limit. And it was very nearly all I could do to lift each item once again into my car.

With the last box finally loaded, I climbed gingerly into my seat, wincing and gritting my teeth at the stab of pain that tore through my back with each movement. As I settled in with a sigh and started the engine, I saw a man pass in front of my car. As he did so, he turned, looked straight into my face, and gave me the dirtiest look I can ever remember being subjected to. It felt like I had been slapped. There was no need to guess what he was thinking, as his expression clearly gave it away: How dare you park there?!

For you see, I was parked in a reserved disabled parking space. And I was parked there not only because my license plate gives me the legal right to park there, but also because I very much had the need to do so today. There are days when the pain is somewhat less, and I'm glad to park a little farther away and get the exercise that the longer walk provides. But there are also days like today, when each step is a struggle and I am eternally grateful that I can park a little closer.

To look at me, particularly if I am sitting still and not attempting to lift or bend or walk or grasp something or any of the other activities that cause pain, I suppose I look like a normal, healthy, thirty-something woman. All of my injuries and deformities ("disabilities" if you like) are internal, and none of them cause any noticeable physical symptoms. I'm not in a wheel chair, and apart from the foot brace that I sometimes have to wear, I don't require any assistive devices. As difficult as my life with chronic pain has been, I count my blessings every day that I have it as good as I do.

But there is another side to it. Being disabled, but not "looking" disabled, means that I am judged - often very harshly - by complete strangers who know nothing about me. I've gotten the dirty looks before, and I've been openly (and loudly) ridiculed. And I'd like to think that I've developed a bit of a thick skin and can turn the other cheek. But as I discovered today, these angry, hate-filled looks can still hurt.

As I left the parking lot, trying my best to not let this man's unnecessary anger get to me, I passed him again just as he reached his own car. His icy glare stabbed me once again before he shook his head with a very obvious look of disgust. And as sad as it makes me to say it, I couldn't hold back the tears. His open hostility brought back too many painful memories of judgment and ridicule that I have received over the past 20 years. All because I don't "look" disabled.

Yes, what happened to me today hurt, but more than anything it made me incredibly sad. Not just for myself and my hurt feelings, but because I know that I'm not the only one who has ever gone through something like this. It made me want to reach out to this man and ask him what had happened in his life that made him feel such a need to show me this kind of hatred. And to try to explain something about my situation, and to let him know that I would give almost anything to actually be the "normal" person that my appearance suggests I am. Of course I didn't reach out, because I was wounded, and I couldn't have handled the confrontation.

But now that the initial sting has passed, I am reaching out to all of you.

If you've ever been on the receiving end of this type of behavior, please know that you are not alone. It may not be much, but I hope you can take at least some comfort in the fact that someone else knows how you feel. (I know from experience what a difference that can make.)

And if you've ever been the perpetrator... I make no judgment, and I feel no anger toward you. I understand that we are each a product of our experiences, and you had reasons for acting the way you did. But please consider this: Pain is invisible. Just because you can't see anything different about someone doesn't mean that we are not suffering.  All I ask is that you try to remember this if you are ever again tempted to judge someone based solely on outward appearances.

22 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'll admit there have been times in the past when I've seen someone in the disabled parking that caused me to question their "legitimacy". Not that I would ever be even as direct as the man you saw--I'm simply not that confrontational--but I've had my private thoughts. But that was before I started driving my elderly grandma around to all her doctor's appointments and such. We have to park in disabled parking so that she can get in/out of places more easily, but sometimes I've had to run back to the car for one thing or another and I always feel that people are giving me that "how dare you" look. Of course, I can never know how it feels to be in your shoes on the receiving end of that sort of "misunderstanding", but I know that it opened my eyes and made me re-evaluate my own thought processes and the dangers of making assumptions.

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    1. Thanks, Cheri. It's so easy for your mind to go there - wondering about someone's "legitimacy." I have to admit that even I do it sometimes. (Not about whether or not someone "looks" handicapped, but I catch myself sometimes glancing at license plates to make sure they have a legal right to park there.) That comes from my own experience/frustration about people just parking there for convenience even when it's illegal. Just like everyone else's judgments come from their past experiences.

      I'm glad that you've been able to take your own new experiences into consideration and let them help you re-evaluate things. Personal growth is always a wonderful thing. :)

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  2. I can relate to you on this topic. Not personally but I am a support worker to adults with learning difficulties and challenging behaviour. From the outsider's view these guys can appear fit and able. When we are out in the community we often get disapproving looks and indeed comments, (such as 'they' shouldn't be allowed out in public!) if we are trying to follow normal everday activites or park in the disabled bays etc.
    As you say it makes you wonder what happened in their lives to make them so hostile and judgemental.

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    1. It always makes me sad to see that type of behavior. I hope some day those that make those types of judgments can somehow learn to be more understanding. Thank you for the work that you do.

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  3. Just reading this makes me angry. I wish people would learn to mind their own business!

    My aunt has MS, and sometimes people don't believe she has a "right" to handicapped parking or other types of accessibility because she isn't in a wheelchair. She gets looks just like the one you got from that jerk.

    People need to wise up and realize that just because you can't actually see a disease or disorder does NOT mean it isn't there.

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    1. I really didn't mean to inspire anger... but I understand what you mean. (Particularly because it hits close to home for you too.) It's incredibly difficult sometimes, but I hope your aunt is able to not let things like this get her down when it happens to her. You're exactly right - you can't always see the disease. I really hope that someday more people will understand about that fact.

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  4. Thank you for sharing - I read something like this many years ago and it completely changed how I viewed that whole situation. I stopped judging people in that way because who am I to do that? Who am I to know what someone else goes through AND judge it?

    If even one person's perspective is changed (as mine was years ago) then you've really helped the world at large. :) Really.

    peace (and less pain) to you!

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    1. Thank you, Lisa. I'm glad to have shared it, for exactly the reason you mentioned. If I can help change even one person's attitude about this type of behavior I will consider it a win. I'm so glad to hear that someone was able to touch your life that way.

      Thanks for visiting, and for your supportive comments.

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  5. I'll be honest. I have made my silent judgements, but I've never made it known in such a manner. It really is an honest truth that we really don't know what is going on in others' lives. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing such a private feeling. I know I will take this with me and try to be a little more understanding and a lot less judgmental.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comments. That was exactly my goal when sharing this. Change is never easy, I know, but I truly hope that you are able to let this help you be more understanding. To think that my story can help others really means a great deal to me.

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  6. I've had this happen a couple of times too, and I usually confront the offending party. One had the gall to say "you don't look handicapped". Besides telling them it was none of their damn business, my disabilities are not so apparent. A congenital heart condition doesn't show like 3rd degree burn scars. With my hypertension, it's just easier to tell them what I'm thinking instead of stewing about it for a few hours.

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    1. Yeah, I *usually* try to avoid confrontation. But I know that's not your style. ;)

      I've had the conversations before, when the person actually said something to me (always doing my best to stay calm and explain things rationally, of course.) Unfortunately with some people that just doesn't work.

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  7. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. Regardless of what that man *thought* he knew about you and your apparent lack of handicap, he was in no position to react in that manner. It horrifies me at hiw judgemental people are of one another. I would say that we need to step back and wonder where he was coming from emotionally that day, but it is so hard. Maybe he had an abusive family member who was handicapped and treated him poorly? Oh, who am i kidding? Theres no excuse.

    I can only hope that you have dried your tears and put that beautiful smile back on your face because today is a new day. I cant remember the exact quote, but is something along the lines of those who care about things that are none of their business don't matter and those who matter don't care. Or something like that. You know what I mean.

    Chin up, girl! You are special and amazing in ways that man will never have the joy of knowing.

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    1. Thank you so much, Riki. I can always count on you to help me bring back my smile. I admit that I was a little distraught yesterday (sometimes we just have those moments and we can't seem to help it) but thankfully I didn't let it get me down for too long.

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  8. What a day! Costco is exhausting to the healthy and I applaud you for doing what you can. I know I have had injuries before that prohibited me from doing any lifting and made me feel like I was being unhelpful. It's kind of the same that you go through only on a more limited basis. I think it's wonderful that you are thinking of the person who judges you in a kind way, even when you are hurting.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I've had the past 20 years to learn to live with things. Believe me - I wasn't always able to handle situations well, or remember to be kind even when others weren't (particularly in my teen years.) Pain may be miserable, but on the bright side it can really help you grow as a person. :)

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  9. I think standing up for yourself is a good thing. Put the window down and kindly ask him what the issue is- have you done something to offend him? If he points to the parking space thing, kindly explain to him that you have the required plate and explain the process by which you get that plate. Explain to him what a chronic pain syndrome is... and then wish him a great day and that you'll pray that he never have to walk a few feet in your shoes.

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    1. I like your approach. The thought did ever-so-briefly go through my mind to roll down the window and ask if there was something he wanted to say to me. But I was so tired and in so much pain that I was in that "barely holding it together as it is" kind of place, and didn't think it was worth getting into. I'll keep your advice in mind for next time, though. :)

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  10. I'm not a sufferer of chronic pain, and am fortunate enough to be 100% able-bodied. I know people who are not as fortunate, and I also know people who ARE fortunate to be healthy, but take advantage of handicapped placards and "borrow" them just for convenience.

    It makes me just as angry when ignorant people take it upon themselves to judge others as it does when able-bodied people borrow placards to make their lives easier ("Oh, the mall will be busy the day after Christmas, so I'm going to take grandma's car so I can get a good close spot"--oh no you DIDN'T!!).

    That said, I try really hard not to judge people who SEEM to be able-bodied yet park in handicapped spots. I know not every disablement or disease manifests fully every second of every day. And I know that sometimes, the dangers of walking distances may not show in someone's physical movements otherwise. Just because someone can walk "normally" and without aid doesn't mean they don't suffer from pain or something else harmful or debilitating.

    Rawr. I'm angry that some ignorant stranger made you feel this way! :hugs:

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    1. Like I said in a comment above, I didn't *mean* to inspire anger - but I feel your "Rawr" and appreciate the hugs. :)

      And I'm completely with you about people misusing the disabled placards, or even just parking in the space without having a placard (because they *probably* won't get caught, so they'll take the chance.) And, I understand that it's people like that who inspire a lot of the judgment about people who "don't look handicapped." (Not all, but probably a lot.) I don't know what the answer is, other than to hope that we can all learn to use better judgment and to be kinder to each other, and to do what I can to help spread that attitude.

      Thank you for coming by, and for sharing your thoughts!

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  11. You know, that judger's disability might be that his mother's prediction came true. ... it did freeze that way. ...and people will always have a negative impression of what he must be thinking based on the look on his face.
    Or, ... maybe he's in pain, too, and ticked off at the world (himself) for not getting his placard out before his soon-to-be ex "borrowed" his car.
    But even if he is hateful, you get to decide whether or not to drink what he's pourin'. A shot of anger? No thanks. Fill those record-breakin' water guns and spray around some calm, cool, compassion.

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    1. I know that he has his own issues that I don't know about, just as I have mine. That's why I honestly wasn't angry at him. I know, I shouldn't have let it get to me *at all*, but sometimes things hurt unexpectedly, and you feel it before you have a chance to keep it from getting in.

      It was one of those things that just had to be shared. The hurt feelings passed, though, and I've moved on to happier things.

      Love you, sis.

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